.:to isa:.

i don't have the right answer
I'm not you and i don't think the same way you do, however i can tell you what i have experienced and maybe you find advice in my words.
In my darkest hours in life, i cried, i cursed, i drank, i cried more, i drank more, i stayed alone inside of me, inside my nightmare, i mourn, i grieved, i felt apart, i felt weak, hopeless, sad, destroyed, i felt and felt and felt a gamma of fellings i had never experienced, i had never thought lived inside of me, of any human being. then i became aware, aware that i was lost, that all this things happening inside of me, were there, and were carving a new person a stronger one, but still, it hurt.
i saw the darkest part of me, the mean, the horrible, the senseless, the mad, the bitter, the lonely, the helpless, the useless, the dead. i saw dead inside of me, in my heart, in my soul.
i felt comfort in being sad
i liked it, i and agreed to coexist with it, inside of me, pitifully.
disgusting.
then i realized, that i had lost myself to my dark self, not to her, not to anybody but myself, she would have been sad and angry and disappointed to see me that way.
i tried to hide it, to me, to all.
i grew paranoid
felt paranoia of not being able to find myself again, to find love, to find joy, to find fiends, to find candor, to find myself.
paranoia excluded me from any activity, from any feeling, from living, and i grew lonelier, much lonelier than before, sadder, much sadder.
that's where "paranoia enforces loneliness" came from. ( was and is part of my life)
the worst loss one can have in this life, is loosing itself, not a loved person, not your mom, not your son, but your self. because time, time cures it all, indeed!, you might never forget, but you'll understand and the pain will lessen.
but loosing yourself, nothing cures that, nothing makes sense, nothing tastes, nothing smells, nothing feels, nothing, NOTHING.
and that, that right there is being dead. DEAD.
for a moment in my life i was dead, what a horrible way to live life, dead.
that's when it struck me
i didnt hide it anymore, if i had to cry i cried, if i had to drink i drank, if i had to talk about it i talked, i didn't search for me, i lived me, i didn't look for answers i felt moments, i tried to be as true to myself as possible without feeling ashamed, just being completely transparent, and little by little candor enter to my life.
candor ends paranoia,
my parents gave me this life, for me to live it, and so i did.
life is granted for every living persons, until death that is.
but life is just that, life, a moment of time in a body, a piece of matter in this universe, the rest is up to you.
making life a journey to live for, is a task that only you can perform.
"the magic was given to all, but not always used".

after that i met you, and you know how this ends
there is no morality in this words just a sincere recap if my own life.
i love you