.:you are back:.

Dear catastrophe waitress
you are back

.:sorry i can't:.

Today you taught me a lesson;
don't let anything interfere with my life.
Including you.

.:brooklyn cold:.

The last time i was in Brooklyn was like 6 years ago.
That day i felt like smoking.
Today fells like that day,
it was cold although not this cold,
maybe November but i could not tell.
I didn't like to read back then, at least not books,
i was into blogs and i also had a friend.
Today i read books more often than blogs,
and my friend is no longer mine,
but the smoking part wont ever change.

.:asco:.

Como me caga perder mis identidades.
Me entrego tanto a las personas que amo que me vacian
se llevan todo de mi
y en ese despertar en ese momento estoy tan lleno de nada que me da asco.
mierda!

.:cold:.

Every night you pushed me further and further away,
ofcourse we didnt know that.
Until one day you woke up by your self
and I in her bed

.:500 nights:.

you are so much better than the girl of my dreams
you are real

.:fica comigo:.

I took the Rio Vermelho with me
to find my pleasures,
while you lay in the living room beyond my eyes
comfortably numb

.:let me kiss you all over:.

i loved to see her, to observe
her body
all of it, every curve,
every pore, every form, every line.
her beauty
kiss it
that! the she that only she could be
the unique
what makes us individuals
i loved to know every part of her
memorize it
to know her
the all
the most beautiful all i've ever seen

.:my whole world:.

"my whole world crumbling down
the pressure is on"
i feel so fuckin sad today
like something is ripping me apart, from inside out
my heart if heavy
once again so fuckin sad

.:get your own brain:.

You say : "'Ere thrice the sun done salutation to the dawn"
And you claim these words as your own
But I've read well, and I've heard them said
A hundred times (maybe less, maybe more)
If you must write prose/poems
The words you use should be your own
Don't plagiarise or take "on loan"
'Cause there's always someone, somewhere
With a big nose, who knows
And who trips you up and laughs
When you fall
Who'll trip you up and laugh
When you fall


A dreaded sunny day
So let's go where we're wanted
And I meet you at the cemetry gates

.:great expectations:.

i guess i should never expect you to be home when i come back,
i understand , you are not like that
you just wanna "respect" my space
i guess you'll never do that...

.:those were our times:.

sometime i don't know when
i stopped listening to Beirut

.:i give up:.

I'm so alone tonight
My bed feels larger than when I was small
Lost in memories
Lost in all the sheets and old pillows
So alone tonight
Miss you more than I will let you know
Miss the outline of your back
Miss you breathing down my neck
They're all out to get you
Once again they are all out to get you
Insecure, what you gonna do
Feel so small they could step on you
Called you up, answering machine
When the human touch
Is what is need

.:cell phone:.

the worst part of all is that i just wanted to call you
while i was peeing and ask you go pee too,
then at the same time flush the toilet
and experience and world whirlpooling in different directions

.:waschbee:.

you were so right!!
i was not me...

.:amor brasileiro:.

today i asked two people for advice
the first person a total stranger.
the second person is probably the one that knows me best in this world

only two words were mention to them
broken heart

this is her response.

"like an empty cloud
wound tight across two fingers
straining against each other,
will rip inevitably
shredding what was
really nothing to begin with"

this is his response.

RUN!

---------------------------------------

anayvelyse
dad

.:ivan:.

Boots are cool!!
I've always like my cowboy boots, i feel invincible when i wear them, like Ivan the rubber Tarzan inside the container. Oshkosh would notice that, and the trails we found those days would take us to the coolest caves. i forget why i sopped using them, i guess here cowboy boots aren't as well regarded as from where i come from..

"Phaedrus"

on days when "Phaedrus" wakes up instead of me
when my mind is gone to a stranger
not even you are present
an unknown character laying beside me
i see myself in the mirror and don't really know who i am
he takes over my mind
my thoughts
he secludes me in a dark room
my heart is uneasy, black and hard like a volcanic rock.
He manages to appear
the unwanted visit
strange fruit
Now i know is "Phaerdus" and not me
he is the sad felling on a Sunday morning
not me
sometimes in the middle of the day he trays to take over
my vision gets impaired
tachycardia is present
and i start going away
far away
"hug me" i say
"talk to me cuz i'm going"
"just stay close, PLEASE" i say
others times he comes in my sleep
and there is nothing left to do
in wake up him
mean
lonely
that scares me the most cuz i have no option
i fight him
i think about me
but in the dark there is no voice
i open photo albums
or draw a piece, a character
i listen to old music or play my favorite video game
those days i try to be by my self
a sailor
i don't want you to see me
to feel me
cuz im not there
im not me
i battle
i fight
but sometimes the wall is to high
and im so short
the worm ate into my brain

.:la despedida:.

i don't think we ever left each other
we didn't say bye
although i miss you this much
i feel you are within me, under my skin, on my flesh
in my heart
i see you in dreams and dream of seeing you
i hear you in voices and feel you in things
i am here with you
you are there with me
faraway so close
always warm
always us

.:wine key:.

so we said bye
we hugged and each went its way
i was going downtown that day
she was going away
i stand on the station platform waiting for the train,
trying to digest what had happened.
i was not sad
i was not worried
she saw me and we had talk,
maybe not the kinda talk you wanna have but at least
we talked

- Stop!! (someone yells)
- Wait!!

it was her

- I forgot to give you this..
and she handed me the keys and a wine key

- i know its your favorite, she said
then she ran away

the wine key
that fucking wine key i gave her so much shit about
she would take it to work and i would get mad

- don't lose it cuz i really like it, i said
- seriously take any other but not that!

she always took that one

i would had lost it the first shift
but then again she is not me (i always think ppl think like me)
she was never gonna lose it
she never did

.:just you:.

i don't know what it was
i cant remember well how it all started
the golden cinnamon skin
in the white sanded sheets
the skol flavored lips
the 3, 2, 1 and our hands grip
i don't know
maybe it was just you

i don't know how it happened
how things fall into place
maybe it was that day in itaparica
or at that fair when i was 8 and you were 6
and you had cotton candy all over your mouth
or just the sunset on the roof
i dont know..
but i fell for you

was it your eyes, those beautiful stars that your dad caught?
was it your mouth?
was it that stupor in the air that made me loose my soul

it could have been just you

was it luck? magic?
was it the inexplicable result of true believe
i brought the sun just for you
i found the grain of sand i was looking for in praia da barra
remember?


it could have been just you

or that pelourinho dream
where everything was right
where everything was in harmony
the buzz of that multiple mix barrel drink
capoeira, saudades, skol, pandeiro,
you and me
just you and me

i can't tell what it was
i don't know how it happened

i just felt it inside of me
i feel you
very close
very deep
just you

.:to isa:.

i don't have the right answer
I'm not you and i don't think the same way you do, however i can tell you what i have experienced and maybe you find advice in my words.
In my darkest hours in life, i cried, i cursed, i drank, i cried more, i drank more, i stayed alone inside of me, inside my nightmare, i mourn, i grieved, i felt apart, i felt weak, hopeless, sad, destroyed, i felt and felt and felt a gamma of fellings i had never experienced, i had never thought lived inside of me, of any human being. then i became aware, aware that i was lost, that all this things happening inside of me, were there, and were carving a new person a stronger one, but still, it hurt.
i saw the darkest part of me, the mean, the horrible, the senseless, the mad, the bitter, the lonely, the helpless, the useless, the dead. i saw dead inside of me, in my heart, in my soul.
i felt comfort in being sad
i liked it, i and agreed to coexist with it, inside of me, pitifully.
disgusting.
then i realized, that i had lost myself to my dark self, not to her, not to anybody but myself, she would have been sad and angry and disappointed to see me that way.
i tried to hide it, to me, to all.
i grew paranoid
felt paranoia of not being able to find myself again, to find love, to find joy, to find fiends, to find candor, to find myself.
paranoia excluded me from any activity, from any feeling, from living, and i grew lonelier, much lonelier than before, sadder, much sadder.
that's where "paranoia enforces loneliness" came from. ( was and is part of my life)
the worst loss one can have in this life, is loosing itself, not a loved person, not your mom, not your son, but your self. because time, time cures it all, indeed!, you might never forget, but you'll understand and the pain will lessen.
but loosing yourself, nothing cures that, nothing makes sense, nothing tastes, nothing smells, nothing feels, nothing, NOTHING.
and that, that right there is being dead. DEAD.
for a moment in my life i was dead, what a horrible way to live life, dead.
that's when it struck me
i didnt hide it anymore, if i had to cry i cried, if i had to drink i drank, if i had to talk about it i talked, i didn't search for me, i lived me, i didn't look for answers i felt moments, i tried to be as true to myself as possible without feeling ashamed, just being completely transparent, and little by little candor enter to my life.
candor ends paranoia,
my parents gave me this life, for me to live it, and so i did.
life is granted for every living persons, until death that is.
but life is just that, life, a moment of time in a body, a piece of matter in this universe, the rest is up to you.
making life a journey to live for, is a task that only you can perform.
"the magic was given to all, but not always used".

after that i met you, and you know how this ends
there is no morality in this words just a sincere recap if my own life.
i love you

.:yo soy:.

a veces me da por escribir
escribir palabras que ni yo entiendo
frases que de mis manos nacen y solas se teclean
a veces me da por llorar
lagrimas que nunca habia conocido
distintos sentimientos que de mis ojos brotan
y me queman el alma
la tatuan y forman a emir
a veces ni dormir puedo
pienso y pienso en ti
en esos dias
en aquel timepo
en el "como diablos"
a veces nada pasa
y me muero, en mi vacio
en el abismo
solo
de nada mas que de mi
y pensar que todo esto pasa en una vida
en cada persona
en cada ser
aquietate y escucha
yo soy dios

.:predictable men:.

when a man is sad, its always a girl problem
when a man is stressed, its always a money problem

.:our poetry:.

i got moving on my mind
walking in a winter wonderland
relax take a deep breath and feel me
split ended sentences made her twisted so she cut off all her hair and reminiced
we are the sticky kind
cafune candomble
kiss me know
fish rained from the sky
the most beautiful eyes i'll ever see
wet skin
wipe your feet on my dreams
radio gogo
and i would do it again
a girl asks her father, if the subway cars go upside down, will everyone fall, and he says no it wont, not if it turns
feels like saudade
uma geisha na praia

.:el sol:.

ja
el sol
el rey de los astros de nuestro sistema.
el que quema, el que todo lo alumbra
el que nos da la vida
pobre de el
aun siendo el rey
jamas ha disfrutado de una noche
una noche contigo
en tus brazos
entre tus piernas
con la luna con el mar
solo una noche de locura
ni siquiera una

"I mean to rule the earth,
As he the sky--
We really know our worth,
The sun and I!"
yum-yum

.:fuego:.

me caga cuando siento esta desesperacion
este astio dentro de mi, me quema las orejas
a mi abuela le daba de noche, en la panza y no podia dormir
yo ponsaba "ahh esta loca"
disculpame Paro, disculpame
yo tambien lo siento
entre el pecho y la panza, ahi, donde se siente el miedo donde se siente el amor.
me da cuando no me encuentro, cuando me abandono en algun bar o en algun cuerpo
tu cuerpo, el que extranho tanto
o en un pensamiento, en alguen que no esta.
pero porque te quedas fuera de mi, alma mia?
porque me dejas solo delirante, mientras tu te emborrachas
te llenas de placer de cinturas de tetas
mientras yo me ahogo en el lodo
en la mierda
ja
pinche beats
con razon chupas tanto
eso a mi ya no me llena, me deja cada vez mas vacio
con menos recuerdos tuyos y mas porquerias
pero regresa a mi alma mia!!
a tu cuerpo a tu ser, para vivir de nuevo experiencias inolviables, hasta que te enamores de nuevo y me vuevas a abandonar a emborracharte a perderte
mientras yo , con el pecho en llamas te salga a buscar

.:our luck:.

we are so lucky
up there, above the clouds, its always sunny
out there, beyond this earth, its always dark
down here, in our home, we've got it all
sunshine, rain, darkness...

.:express:.

how do i explain her how beautiful she is?
how can i find words to describe a feeling i have inside?
a feeling i can't even see, smell nor touch,
and still make her feel what i feel.
how?
language is beautiful but short
words are lush but soulless
phrases are strong but mortal
none of these will ever express your beauty
none of these will ever touch your soul
none of these will ever endure my love
how can i compare when there is no comparison
is like finishing something that yet needs to be started
how do i let you know that it is real
that it is alive
that it is here, inside of me!
with my lips?
with my hands?
with my eyes?
can they communicate?
how?

.:wow:.

how do i express this to a blind person?

.:watch out:.

sometimes is very important to go back in order to advance
you know..
look where you came from and understand where you are going
back to basics
but it could be a very dangerous step
cuz in the conclusion of your route, at the end of your search
things could get lost or suddenly realize that things have been missplaced
or that some others just do not belong any more
one should be careful of what one desires
you will loose a lot
and gain few

.:on your way:.

Last night i saw the moon drown into the pacific.
slowly, impotent, helpless..
it just disappeared.
i know that at the moment i lost it out of sight,
in your horizon , a new moon emerged.
that moon
the same one i saw
the one with the rabbit

.:little prince:.

one day, out of nowhere
you appeared in my life
with that smile, with those eyes
so beautiful!, the most beautiful i've ever seen
with that heart full of joy
with that mind full of questions
passionate, curious
so curious you made me curious
curious of how i had become the person i am now,
and left behind the kid inside of me.
how did i let my dreams behind?
why?
then as you came
you left
like that
and i am so grateful i had the chance to meet you
cuz you changed my mind forever
inside out
you taught me that there is always time to enjoy
that the earth is a great place to live
to be a better me without leaving me behind
to appreciate the sunset and feel the sunrise
to be passionate, to feel my body
to be me
to risk it all cuz any adventure is worth the try
worth leaving for
you brought life into my life

never trade your heart
never

.:what's it gonna be:.

i hope i'm not making a mistake
i hope i'm not wrong
i hope that when i kissed you, i did it cuz i wanted,
cuz i wanted to feel your lips
breathe your breath
taste your soul.
i hope it was that way, and not an escape,
escape from me
from my mind
from my troubles.
i hope that when i touched you, i did it cuz i desired you,
dreamed you,
wanted to feel the warmth inside of you
and not, that i was trying to forget another body
another flavor,
that past favorite meal
i hope that when i woke up next to you, i did it completely rested,
after a good dream
with that sense of safety
of home
and not cuz i was afraid of sleeping alone
of having nightmares
of being cold

i hope I'm not making a mistake
i hope I'm not wrong

but if i am
i'll do it all over again

.:mi destino:.

es extranho
pero las mujeres faciles,
esas que tienen mas de 50 nombres en sus listas,
simpre vuelven a mi
no porque sea el mejor sexo que han tenido
sino porque soy el pendejo ese que se las coje con amor.

Ja!
al final del dia todos necesitamos de eso

soy un hombre raro
me gustan las cosas grandes como el amor y esas mierdas

.:nefernefernefer:.

"- Eres obstinado, sinuhe - me dijo-
pero yo soy una mujer honrada y mantengo mis promesas.
Toma, pues, lo que has venido a buscar.
Se tendio en la cama y me abrio los brazos,
pero no hallo el menor placer en mi;
volvio la cabeza para mirarse en el espejo y ahogaba sus bostezos con una mano, de manera que el goce que esperaba se convirtio para mi en cenizas.
Mi corazon era como una piedra en mi pecho
duro y pesado, negro
no latia.-"

sinuhe, el egipcio


Ja
mierda
todos tenemos nuestra nefernefernefer
simpre ha sido asi y siempre lo sera.

.:eu tenho saudades de voce:.

you left me like that
abused
like the gum you spit as soon as the flavor is gone
you left me like that
with a mouthful of you
of your breath
covered in blood
like a corpse after the war
that stench!!
ha!
what the fuck am i supposed to do
how do i explain my self what just happened
if i have no idea of what just happened
and now, now you are gone
where are you? who are you with?,
you won't spare
but that's ok
i really don't care
you left me like that
with my mind in the toilet
swirling in the infinite whirlpool of thoughts
of a long night that lasted for days and days
nauseous
if i could have you again..
will it hurt?
eu tenho saudades de voce
voce


..your phone is off
i know what that means
you left me like that..

.:L.E.S.:.

..guey a donde vamos??

no se... donde sea...
llevame a donde haya mujeres de cascos ligeros..

.:ja:.

lo nuestro duro,
lo que duran dos cubos de hielo
en un "whiskey on the rocks"

.:la mujer que yo quiero:.

por acostarte conmigo,
la gente dice que eres la mas puta entre todas las mujeres.
Ja!!
yo digo que no,
para mi eres la mas mujer entre todas las putas.

.:kid:.

it will take me 19 days and 500 nights,
to get you off my mind

.:watch out:.

sometimes is very important to go back in order to advance
you know..
look where you came from and understand where you are going
back to basics
but it could be a very dangerous step
cuz in the conclusion of your route, at the end of your search
things could get lost or suddenly realize that things have been missplaced
or that some other just not belong any more
one should be careful of what one desires
you will loose a lot
and gain few

.:mis colores:.

es raro
cuando no estas conmigo
me muero por llamarte, hablarte
contarte de mi
mis cosas
mis razones
cerca de tus labios
tu espalda
se que te encantaria

cuando estoy a tu lado
me aturdo
me lleno de ideas, palabras
balbuceos indescifrables
al pundo de sentirme extrano
ajeno
monocromatico.

.:loco corazon:.

...estas a 8 cuadras
de mis mejores ganas de tocarte...

.:donde estoy:.

a vece la melancolia me mata
solo pienso en lo que fue,
en lo que sentia aquellos dias
el atarceder, en mi rostro, caliente
el viento, hacia que mis brazos se pusieran chinitos
"se siente como domingo.." pensaba
hoy no siento eso, no tengo porque
y eso me da miedo
ayer las cosas que hacia las hacia por gusto, porque era yo
hoy las hago por vivir
por comer
ya se que el ayer nunca vendra
ya se que deberia hacer lo que me gusta
pero hay tantos factores que me lo impiden
ahora ya no estoy solo
gente depende de mi

ayer sonhaba contigo
en como meterme a tu casa
sin que nadie se diera cuenta
despues de una fiesta al aire libre
de esas donde la gente vomitaba entre los arbustos
tocarte
con aliento alcoholico y mis manos temblorosas

ayer me borregueaba con el perfume de la lata a media noche
con la adrenalina al tope
mientras el frio me penetraba
pero me gustaba estar ahi
solo
ahora, no hay latas, no hay frio, no hay nada
en las calles solo hay gente que conozco
ya no me puedo esconder
ya no puedo debrallar y ni siquiera tengo la fuerza para hacerlo
(eso me mata)
me gustaria volverlo a vivir
ese tiempo
donde era fuerte
joven
sin miedo
ahora
ahora todo es diferente
todo es lo contrario
vivo con temor
en un lugar donde dicha libertad no existe
todo mundo sabe lo que haces
y todo lo que haces esta mal

quiero volver a entregarme
quiero volver a enamorarte
asi
alocadamente
entre la tarde y la escarcha
si solo me dieras esas horas
si solo supieras lo que algun dia fui
a lo mejor hoy no te parezca tan patetico
tan viejo
tan otro

.:palin:.

her policies, if any, are ludicrous.
pit bull in lipstick???
PURE demagogy.
are US politics that poor?
i feel like i'm in Mexico..
i'm so ashamed.

God Bless America

.:$$:.

when the money is so thick
it makes you heart go numb,
it makes your mind get sick

.:hey doc:.

its just a prostate infection..
why don't you try jerking off a bit more frequent....

.:balance:.

.-there is nothing impossible

well i know what you mean, i used to think that way, but i have come to the conclusion that a lot of things are impossible to do.
you know, to keep the balance

.- i don't know, i still think that everything is possible

well, no one can unscramble scrambled-eggs

.- ...hmmm..., that's a tough one.....

.:hmm:.

well, if we go back enough
we all come from the same monkey...